My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Can you bring me the toilet please
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