I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
