she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
