I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
