My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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