Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize