I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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