I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize
