We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Four minutes until I can fart!
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
