I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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