My nipple is on Facebook.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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