I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
