My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
