if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
