I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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