Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I cut my penus on the lid.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
