ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
