i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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