You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
