I CAN MOONWALK!
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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