Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
