I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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