ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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