Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
