I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
