On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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