I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize