he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
