True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
