Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
40s are totally the cure
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
