If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Randomize
