I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
