I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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