saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
