I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I have aggressive nipples.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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