I wish i was in the wii world.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
