so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
