I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize