For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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