Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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