If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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