if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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