My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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