I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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