I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
