It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
