Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
