Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
