I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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