Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
