New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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