this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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