Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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