You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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