I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
