I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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