I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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