this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
