right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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