I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
